Hunkering down, running my squad and anchoring myself in the solitude of my private office that day was the only distance I was able to put between myself and the chaos happening outside that door. It was a temporary slice of silence. I knew it wouldn’t last. The time had finally arrived and it was time to stand up and step forward. There wasn’t any hesitation about whether or not what I was about to do was the absolute right thing. Not then, not now, not ever. The time had come to “do the right thing.” That I have never had issue with. It was all the other unanswerable questions that would torment me. Ahh, but that can wait. First things first.
They say the first step is always the hardest. I’m here to tell you that the first step and every single last step I have ever made then or since has been nothing but hard.
Sitting quietly in my office chair between the desk and door I breathed a long sigh of relief and resignation. Yes, it is possible to feel both of those emotions at the same time. I knew when I opened that door and walked those fifteen or so steps down the hallway and reached the Bureau Director’s office door that life, my life, was about to change. Still, I had no idea how huge or sweeping those changes would shape every minute of every day that came afterward. Life’s defining moment. This was about to become mine.
Hell, anybody that didn’t live in the squad bay circled the wagons behind two and half inches of wooden door which was about as much separation as one could hope to get. As if that would keep the wolves at bay. Those fifteen steps seemed like ten miles. Concurrently, it equally felt like being teleported in nano seconds from one location to another. A hand rose to place the closed fist attached to my arm and I used it to knock on the thickness of his wooden door waiting to be invited in. The invitation came quickly and in one fluid moment I found myself standing in the middle of the room in front of his desk and speaking these words. ” It’s only a matter of time before they (State Police Troopers/Investigators) come knocking on my door. I want you to hear it from me first, that when they do, I intend to tell them the truth and everything I know about the Evidence Room.” He looked at me from behind his desk and slowly and quietly responded, ” Karen, I would expect nothing less from you.” Those were the last words we would ever exchange.
I left his office and walked slowly back to my hovel and waited for the knock I knew would come. It wasn’t a terribly long wait given the circumstances of the investigation though every second felt longer than the last. It was the longest three days of my life. An unending, drawn out lapse of time that inched by second by second in a contorted click of slowed down motion. It was, how they say, without end.
